by Dr. Shendl Tuchman
Life is full of transitions. Some of them are chosen, others chosen for us. Divorce is a change that may affect just about every aspect of your life. It can impact your sense of security, fair play, self-esteem, etc.. If you have children, divorce is not an ending. It is a shift from one type of relationship to another with the other parent. Most often, these changes can be positive ones as you navigate from your pre-divorce to your post-divorce family.
You may find you need to:
· gain clarity about your needs and goals for you and your family
· learn ways to communicate clearly when engaging in the negotiations and decision-making inherent in dismantling a marriage and moving into your next phase
· manage complex emotions such as anxiety and anger
· develop a comprehensive parenting plan to meet the needs of your family
· work on your co-parenting relationship and how to best protect your children
Studies have determined that the first year after a divorce is the hardest. It is the most difficult emotionally and health-wise. Paying attention to your thoughts and emotions could help you minimize the impact that first year can have both in the short and long term. For instance, you may notice that you have reactions to your ex-partner’s facial expressions, choice of words, tone of voice or body language. Understanding those triggers and being able to manage them will help a great deal towards enabling you to engage more effectively and focus on the tasks at hand.
Children keep their parents, even when parents don’t keep their spouses. It is well-known that children of divorce fare best as adults when there was no conflict between their parents. I have found that the difficulties experienced in the marriage will most likely be the same ones that impact the process of separating and parenting after divorce. Take the time to address those problems in communication as a way to minimize the level of conflict.
It is important to remember that divorce is an emotional event with legal and financial ramifications, not a legal decision with emotional consequences.