Goal Setting for Stuck People – How to Motivate Yourself to Accomplish BIG Things

By Carefree Dee on January 19, 2012

Identifying your wants
“Some things I really want” (List up to 5)

For each want write down why you really want it.

For each want write down the response to “When I have this thing the sensation I’ll feel is….”

External circumstances do not create feeling states. Feeling states create external circumstances.

You will experience far more success in all areas of life when you dwell in a sense that your goal has already been achieved.
(Which looks a bit like “Fake it ‘til you make it.”)

!! Treasuring the Future- Now
*Choose one item from your list of heart’s desires
*Vividly imagine that you’ve already got it
*Go through it methodically by sense:
How does this scene sound, look smell, feel, taste?
*Continue to experience it for at least 10 minutes
*Focus on “treasuring” your heart’s desire 10 minutes a day for a whole month!

While spending your time on this exercise, simultaneously begin work on what you want. That means looking at each one of your heart’s desires and make one small step towards achieving that goal.

If the steps bring you anxiety and feel out of your comfort zone-GOOD. That means it’s a stretch. Doing what you’ve always done isn’t going to put you on the road to your dreams, because if it did, you’d already be there.

Use rewards for putting in the time to get what you want! Do something nice for yourself to reward your progress. Don’t wait until your goal is achieved. Milestones are worthy of rewards. This way you stay on track to behave your way to your heart’s desires.
For example:
I want a healthy body.
I hate exercise.
I will motivate myself with stickers on my calendar for every time I exercise, and after 10 workouts do something nice for myself.
For Example, In my case, a manicure.
After 20, a new outfit.
After 30, a sparkly bauble that is fun, and unnecessary.
After 40, a massage.

Notice I am rewarding the healthy behavior, not pounds lost. The weight loss comes as a byproduct of my new healthy life style.

GOAL:_________________________________________________
WHY DO I WANT
IT?______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

HOW WILL ATTAINING IT MAKE ME
FEEL?____________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

HOW CAN I GIVE MYSELF THAT FEELING
TODAY?__________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________
WHAT ACTION CAN I TAKE TO MOVE CLOSER TO MY
GOAL?___________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
WHAT REWARD WILL I GIVE MYSELF? AT WHAT
INTERVAL?_______________________________________________
________________________________________________________

Make sure to do this with a sense of wellbeing and calm, rather than a needy or graspy kind of energy. Neediness is a repellant. People and things will run from you if they get even a whiff of it.

Enlist supportive people in your circle to support you in attaining your goals. Better yet, get a friend to partner with and support each other, while holding each other accountable.

Get yourself in the habit of dreaming big…like really big. Martha Beck calls them WILDLY IMPROBABLE GOALS, or WIG’s for short.

List 3 Wildly Improbable Goals here:
1)
2)
3)
Just saying what they are out loud starts the process of the universe
conspiring to manifest your desires. Really.

*Some of this material is the intellectual property of Dr. Martha Beck and has been used with permission.

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FAMILIES IN TRANSITION

By Carefree Dee on January 19, 2012

Are you in the midst of a divorce or a separation? Are you concerned about the impact that this may have on your children? Do you know how to talk to your child about your marital situation? Do your children know how to talk to you about their concerns and fears? Do you have the much-needed support YOU deserve for your experience?

Through a 6-week curriculum-based, Families in Transition program, Discovery Counseling Center will offer concurrent group sessions for parents and children in which issues around loss, communication and support will be discussed and examined. Discovery Counseling Center’s goal is to strengthen families affected by divorce and separation by decreasing negative emotions and behaviors, reducing conflicts and alienation, while improving the well-being of children and their parents.

WHO: Parents and children impacted by separation or divorce

WHEN: February 29th, March 7th, 14th, 21st, 28th and April 4th 6:30-8:00PM

WHERE: Greenbrook Elementary School – 1475 Harlan Drive Danville

COST: $300 per family for the six- week program (financial assistance is available to those in need)

REGISTER : Call Discovery Counseling Center at 925.837.0505

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Ten Ways to Survive the Holidays

By Carefree Dee on December 12, 2011

Although there are no magical solutions to cure the holiday blues, there are a few things you can do to make it easier to cope for you and your children.

1. PLAN AHEAD

Plan to do something that is fun, relaxing, and as stress-free as possible with people you really care about. If the holidays are just too painful and the reminders are everywhere, consider a vacation that allows you to “escape” the painful triggers.

2. CREATE NEW RITUALS AND FAMILY TRADITIONS

While you may want to hold on to some of the past traditions, it’s a good idea to create some new rituals with friends and family. (Consider an alternative day, time, place, etc.)

3. REASSURE KIDS THAT HOLIDAY CELEBRATIONS WILL CONTINUE, AND THEY MAY BE DIFFERENT

Try to include some of the traditions you have followed in the past and create some new ones that will be special for your new family configuration. Children can help create some of the new holiday rituals and traditions. Take time to brainstorm with your children about new ideas for celebrating.

4. ASK SELF IF YOU ARE ACTING “IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD”  

Decide ahead of time how holidays will be divided and inform the children. Reassure kids that you will be OK while they are with the other parent and that they have permission to be happy. Remember, tired kids will be stressed out and cranky, so plan according to their ages and ability to adjust. Keep the arrangements as simple as possible. Do not compete with the other parent around gifts or traditions.

5. CREATE A CONFLICT FREE ZONE AROUND YOURSELF AND CHILDREN

Make a commitment to yourself not to get into arguments with your EX and let go of trying to change or even influence the other parent. Be ruthless about keeping your children out of the middle

6. MAKE A SCHEDULE OR GAME PLAN FOR YOURSELF

Make a list of everything you need to do for the holidays and a target date to accomplish your goals. This will help you to feel more in control and less stressed. Delegate tasks appropriately. Remind yourself that you do not have to overcompensate for the change in everyone’s life.

7. ASK FOR HELP FROM SUPPORTIVE FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Rely on a healthy support system, especially if you are feeling isolated, lonely or depressed. Tell your support people what you need from them (companionship, understanding, compassion, listening, etc.)

8. BE REALISTIC AND FLEXIBLE

“Picture perfect” holidays are usually just an illusion. Have realistic expectations about the holiday season, especially the first year. Remind yourself about what is most important to you and your values.

9. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Get the proper amount of sleep and exercise and eat healthy in order to maximize your ability to cope. It’s easy to overeat or party too much to medicate your pain, but in the long run, it creates more problems. Schedule time for rest, relaxation, and nurturing. Don’t forget to put yourself on your care list; you deserve it!

10. ONE DAY AT A TIME; ONE HOLIDAY AT A TIME

It will get easier. It will get better. It will hurt less. Visualize you and your children having a wonderful, stress-free holiday – no matter how you spend it.

Stay focused on the present.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or stuck, give yourself the gift of professional help. Therapy can provide a safe, supportive environment in which you can gain insight, learn problem solving skills and find solutions to dealing with the complicated feelings of separation and divorce. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your loved ones.

Discovery Counseling Center

     Professional Mental Health Counseling l Alcohol & Drug Recovery l Support Group l School Based Counseling/Education l Community Outreach l Information/Referral

115A Town & Country Drive l Danville California 94526 l Telephone (925) 837-0505 l Fax (925) 837-0568

Web Address: www.discoveryctr.net l email: general@discoveryctr.net

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Review Your Beneficiaries

By Carefree Dee on December 30, 2009

Be sure to review the beneficiaries of any life insurance that you may have. You might have policies or assets that you don’t think about such as your employer sponsored life insurance or an investment or savings account such as a 401(k) or Individual Retirement Account. In my Human Resources career I have seen occasions where an employee forgot to change their beneficiary and when the employee died, we had to pay the company life insurance to the ex-spouse rather than to the current spouse or children.

If you make your minor children the beneficiaries of your life insurance, the payment will be held until a guardian is named and that person files a claim on behalf of your minor children. To simplify the payment you can name a trustee to receive the proceeds on behalf of your minor children. That person should also be named in your will with any specific directions on how you wish them to manage the funds on behalf of your children. You can get simple wills done inexpensively so shop around before retaining an attorney to write one for you.

Also name a secondary or third-level beneficiary in the event that your primary beneficiary is not available to receive the benefit. While you are at it you may want to change the emergency contact information that you have given to your employer.

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Your Home is Your Biggest Asset

By Pat on December 4, 2009

Having gone through a difficult divorce myself, I have learned that knowledge is the key.  Your lawyers can only help you so much, but there are so many overwhelming issues to resolve.  And there are so many trivial tactics that can cloud the big picture.

 Typically, your house is 60% of the marital asset base, but frankly it bears so much more weight because it is not just a “house”, it is your home.  It is where you have your memories, you wove your hopes and dreams into so many nooks and corners, maybe you raised your family there.  So often those emotional strings interfere with you rationally making the right choices.

 My job is to neutralize the real estate portion of the divorce, treating this “asset base” as a business transaction for the best interest of the house.  That may sound cold, but in return it gives my clients the ability to receive the biggest return on either the sale of their home, or if you want to stay in your home, the most realistic way to valuate your home.  Sadly, in most cases Settlement Agreements are put together before I am brought in.  The party keeping the home was never told to do an inspection on the home…there may be costly hidden maintenance issues that surface within a year or two after you are on your own.  Then, who is going to pay for those repairs?  Maybe it is a new furnace, a leaky roof, water under the house, etc…these maintenance issues need to be addressed before the Settlement Agreement. 

 There are other issues to watch out for, like what Quit Claim Deeds do not protect, issues behind assuming the mortgage, Title Searches, Liens that you never knew of, and if Bankruptcy is an issue, what chapter.  All of these hidden issues have a tremendous bearing on how the home is treated.

 If you are going through a divorce and have questions, hopefully we can help guide you.  You can contact me by blogging, or if you feel more comfortable, give me a call at 925-683-3509, or email me at pburgess@empireRA.com.  I am here to help.

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TRUST

By Keisha on November 16, 2009

Chances are that if you are going through a divorce, your trust has been shattered.  Trust in your partner, trust in yourself, trust in marriage itself.  When working with clients who are going through a divorce, I hear a lot of exasperation about “this wasn’t how it was supposed to be!”  Divorce can encompass every area of your life, not only about who gets the kids or the house, but who gets the friends?

To start rebuilding your life as a single person, you must first lay down a foundation of trust.  Here’s how-

LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE

While your marriage was deteriorating, what was the first thing that made you stop and take note?  What were you trying not to feel?  What were you trying to push away?  What were you trying to talk yourself out of?  In other words, what were you trying to make “OK” that wasn’t?  That was your inner voice telling you that something wasn’t right.  Practice listening to it.  If you get a hunch about something, go with it.  More times than not, it won’t steer you wrong.  We are born with an internal antenna that keeps us on the right track when followed.  Whenever you get that funny feeling in the pit of your stomach, or feel a little chill- there’s a reason for that.  We don’t ever think to question an animal’s instincts- why do we question our own?

FIND EVIDENCE

Remember a time when you trusted yourself to make good decisions.  What were they?  What did you do?  How did you arrive at those decisions?  How did you feel when you were making them?  You HAVE made many good decisions in the past, and one of them may have been to end your marriage.  Whenever doubt starts to creep in about your decision making ability, remind yourself of all the times you made the right choice.  Chalk the bad ones up to “character development”.

LIVE IT TO GIVE IT

To regain trust in others, you must first be trustworthy yourself.  Be impeccable in your word and actions.  If you say you are going to do something, do it. Don’t say unkind things about others.  Don’t excuse bad behavior.  The very act of being trustworthy will attract those who are deserving of trust.

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